Throwback Tuesday #2: Tucker's Revenge, Part 2

Aaaaaand welcome back to the second installment of Throwback Tuesday! (If you're completely confused and missed the first post + explanation, you can find that RIGHT HERE.)

So. Let's hop to it, shall we?

The original writing will be in this font, while my edits will be in this regular font.

“Wake up, sleepyhead!  We’re leaving for the train station in a few hours; are you packed and ready to go?”  

Jamie rolled over and groaned.  “Go away, Reuben.” Suddenly she sat up.  “Wait, we’re going to Cheyenne today!”  She jumped out of bed, then froze.  “But... Levi and I were going to have another race today!  Do we have to leave?”

Reuben raised an eyebrow.  “Beth and Lewis are expecting us, Jamie.  We’ve been planning this for a long time.”  

Jamie sighed.  “All right, I’ll get packed.  But...” she brightened.  “I know!  We can take Thunder and Buck with us on the train and-”

Reuben held up his hand.  “Jamie, we’re not going to take the horses.  We’ll be back in a week or so, and you can have your race then.”

Jamie sighed.  “All right, Reuben.”  She pointed to a trunk in the corner of the room.  “Would you please carry my suitcase downstairs?”

******

Okay...I think I'd just delete this entire thing and mix the info in later. Because this is basically a waste of space + doesn't flow very well, especially since it's an entire section in & of itself.

Jamie’s eyes stared out the train window with boredom at the countryside swiftly moving by.  “I wish Mother could have come with us,” she said with a sigh.

Rewrite: Jamie stared out the window with a dismal sigh. The forgotten trip to Cheyenne was now forcing her to sit in this stuffy rail car instead of out in the pasture having a rematch with Levi, and the more she thought about it, the more frustrated she became. She opened her mouth to voice her complaints, but one look at her oldest brother's face told her that he wasn't as compassionate as their mother. "I wish Mother could've come with us," she whispered.

  

Reuben smiled.  “Yes, I do too,” he replied, “but we couldn’t wait any longer for this trip, and Mother would rather be at home in bed than traveling on a train while she wasn’t feeling good.  And she wouldn’t want her absence to spoil our trip, either; she’ll come visit Beth and Lewis sometime soon.” 

Rewrite: Reuben smiled, having heard the remark. "I do too, but we couldn't wait any longer for this trip." He patted her knee and leaned his head back to rest on the top of the seat. "Besides, you and I both know she much prefers resting in bed than rocking on a train while she's not feeling well." He chuckled. "I wouldn't put it past her to stay home now just so that she can come visit Beth and Lewis when she can have them and the kids all to herself."

“I’d rather be at home with her anyway,” Jamie muttered to herself.  “Now I have to travel with my brothers to a big city and sit in a stuffy room drinking tea.”

Levi shrank back in mock horror.  “Well, I’m sorry we’re not good enough company for you, Miss Abbott.  But I assure you, you will find no other men as dashing, handsome, and gentlemanly as the Abbott Brothers!”

Jamie rolled her eyes and giggled.  Then, noticing that her second brother hadn’t said anything, said, “Simeon, what’s wrong?”

Rewrite: "I'd rather be home with her," Jamie muttered. "But do I get to? No, I have to travel with my brothers to a big city and sit in a stuffy room drinking tea and acting all prim and proper."

    "Well, excuse me, Miss Abbott." Levi shrank back in mock horror. "I'm sorry that we're not good enough company for you. But," he smirked, "At least we don't make you be as ladylike as Mother does. That's good for
something, right?"

    Jamie tilted her head. "Maybe."

Simeon looked up from where he was sitting with his chin in his hand, his brow furrowed with thought.

“I’m not sure.  It’s just that... well, I’ve got a feeling about this trip.  And it’s not a good one.  I don’t know; I just have a feeling that something bad is going to happen.”

A tingle went down Jamie’s spine.  It was certainly not like Simeon to be unsure of himself-- or anything, for that matter.  

DELETEDELETEDELETEDELETE (seriously. Premonitions are, in my opinion, rarely good things to put in your book unless you can pull them off right. I'd just add some more dialogue, and definitely some more description about the landscape)(and for sure add stuff with Simeon since without this bit you wouldn't know he's traveling with them)

Finally they arrived in Cheyenne.  Disembarking, Jamie saw a mercantile across the street, which gave her an idea.  She grasped Reuben’s arm.  “Reuben, may I go to the mercantile and buy Mother some peppermints?  You know how she loves them.”

Reuben smiled and nodded.  “Yes, you may buy Mother some peppermints, but first I’d like to go visit a friend that lives a couple of houses down the street from here.”  

“I’ll take her,” Simeon spoke up.  He turned to Levi.  “You go wherever you want; we’ll meet you at Tucker’s Mercantile in an hour.”

******

Rewrite: Finally, after too many hours of being entertained by her brothers and watching them arm wrestle, Jamie stepped from the train to the Cheyenne depot platform. She stretched as much as was ladylike and tried to brush the wrinkles out of her dress as her brothers stepped down behind her. She straightened and spied a sign across the street that sparked an idea. She grasped Reuben's sleeve. "Reuben, may I go to the mercantile and buy some peppermints for Beth's children?" (no clue how a bunch of peppermints is going to last for an entire week around Jamie's fam) 

    Reuben hesitated, then nodded. "Yes, but I'd rather you didn't go alone, and I'd like to visit some friends down the street—"

    "I'll take her," Simeon cut in. He turned to Levi. "Go do what you want, and we'll meet you at the mercantile in an hour." 

(At this point I'd cut out the text break)

As Jamie stepped into the Tucker’s Mercantile later that afternoon, she smelled something unpleasant.

“Simeon, what’s that-” she was interrupted by a loud cry.

“No!  Please don’t hurt me! I-I’ll work hard to pay for it; honest, I will!”

“You’ll pay for it, alright!”  A gruff voice replied. “And after you pay for it, I guarantee you won’t even think of tipping over another sardine barrel!”

Rewrite: (no clue why it says 'later that afternoon')(also sardines were never stored in barrels right??)(so I'm gonna change the context a bit)

    As Jamie stepped inside Tucker's Mercantile, she was greeted with racks upon racks of everything that she loved about mercantiles—and the shattering of glass as something hit the floor further back in the room.

    A cry rang out. "No—please, don't hurt me! I'll work hard to pay for it; you know I will, Mr. Tucker!"

    "You'll pay for it, all right." A gruff voice grated on Jamie's ears like dragging fingernails across a chalkboard. "And after you pay for it, you won't even think of breaking another vase again. Do you have any idea how much those things cost?"

“Simeon, we’ve got to stop him!”  Jamie cried as the sound of slapping commenced. And, without waiting for a reply, she rushed off to find the source of the sound.

Near the back of the store, Jamie found the store’s clerk whipping a boy about her age with a belt.

Rewrite: Jamie winced as the all-too-familiar sound of leather upon flesh ensued. Her brothers had felt the wrath of the belt often enough that she knew the sound by heart. The image of Levi, face red and swollen with crying after a thrashing, flashed through her mind, and she winced. A twinge of compassion pushed her into action. "Simeon, we've got to stop him!"

    "Jamie, don't—"

    But she was already rushing to find the source of the sound. Near the back of the store, Jamie found whom she assumed to be the store's clerk whipping a boy who couldn't be any older than herself.

“No, stop! Stop!”  She cried, yanking on the man’s raised arm.

“Why, you little... it was none of your business!  I’m going to-” he turned in fury and raised his hand when he suddenly stopped, hand in mid-air, when Simeon stepped behind Jamie.

"Stop!" She shouted, grasping the man's raised arm and jerking It backward.

    He howled in pain as his shoulder popped, and he turned toward her, eyes flashing. "Why, you little—" he grabbed her upper arm in a meaty fist with a grip strong enough that she was certain that she'd have a bruise. "You're going to regret that, missy." He raised the hand holding the belt high, but stopped in mid-air. Jamie heard a heavy footstep behind her and didn't have to look to know that Simeon had come to her rescue.

I hope that was as entertaining for you as it was for me! *hides* just wait until you read next month's...