Throwback Tuesday #1: Tucker's Revenge, Part 1

Hey howdy hey, folks! Today I'll be starting a new series that I'll plan to share on every fourth Tuesday of the month.

I call it Throwback Tuesday. I know, I know, not nearly as cool as Throwback Thursday, but hey, Thursdays are reserved for book reviews, so I had to settle for this. ;)

So, what is Throwback Tuesday? Well, I thought it would be fun to share some of my old writing here. When I first got the idea for this series, I thought, "hey, everyone could just see me cringe over my old writing!" But nah, I think there's something to be learned here.

Old writing is hard to read, but it also shows how far we've come. We can choose to be embarrassed by how we used to be, or we can choose to be grateful to God for how far we've come.

So, today, I'll be sharing part one from my very first original work, Tucker's revenge—a novelette—and go through it, paragraph by paragraph, to share how I would rewrite it now. Why not make this educational? Virtual field trip! ;) The story will be in this font, and my rewrites will be in this normal font. I'm definitely not a writing expert, and you might write it differently. That's okay, we all have different writing styles. This is just a fun exercise to show how far I've come with my writing skills, and to show you a bit better how you can rewrite something average and make it look so much better. :)

(not to mention, give me some extra practice!)

(plus I haven't read my old writing in a g e s)

(but I also don't mean to imply that everyone's writing is average, pls don't think that)

“Catch me if you can!”  Jamie Abbott’s hazel eyes sparkled with laughter as she turned her head to look tauntingly at her brother. 

Rewrite: The wind whipped Jamie Abbott's hair into her face as she turned to send her brother a taunting glance. "Catch me if you can!"

Levi, the third brother of Jamie, frustration showing on his face as he tried unsuccessfully to catch his younger sister.

“You haven’t got me beat yet, Jamie!” Levi shouted.  He slapped the reins against his bay horse, Buck, trying to get the horse to run faster.  Jamie just laughed in reply and turned her face forward, enjoying the wind in her face.

Rewrite: Jamie's third brother, Levi, pinched his lips together in frustration as he tried in vain to catch his younger sister. "You haven't got me beat yet, Jamie!" he shouted. He slapped the reins against his horse's neck in an attempt to urge the bay to run faster.

Jamie just laughed in reply and faced forward again, grinning as a surge of adrenaline rushed through her.

Thunder galloped down the nearly-invisible path that wound through the north pasture.  Rounding the last bend, the ranch buildings came into view and slowly became larger.  As they rushed down the homestretch Jamie risked one last glance behind her, and to her dismay, Levi was slowly gaining ground.

Rewrite: Thunder's hooves lived up to his name as they pounded down the nearly-invisible path that wound through the north pasture. As they rounded the last bend, the ranch buildings came into view and grew larger as they approached. On the last stretch, Jamie risked a glance behind her, and her heart sank to see her brother slowly gaining ground.

We’ve got to beat Levi!  She thought desperately.  If we lose now... she shook her head.  She didn’t want to think of all the teasing she’d get from her third brother if he beat her at this race.    

“Come on, Thunder!”  Jamie cried.  “We’ve got to win; otherwise Levi will never let me forget this.  I’ve done too much bragging on you to lose to Levi, of all people!”

Rewrite: Losing to Levi wasn't an option. "C'mon, Thunder," she murmured. "I haven't done all that bragging on you to lose to Levi, of all people." She swallowed hard to think of all the ribbing she'd have to endure—from both her brothers and the ranch hands—if she lost now.

The two pairs of riders and horses galloped closer and closer to the ranch outskirts.  Jamie could now see her family, along with most of the ranch hands, standing at the finish line.  She looked back again and squeezed her knees harder into Thunder’s sides, trying to urge him on as Levi and Buck galloped closer and closer.  The two horses’ hoofbeats pounded in her ears, along with the loud cheering from the crowd at the gate.  Jamie saw a movement to her left out of the corner of her eye, and, turning her head, saw Buck’s nose was even with Thunder’s flank.

Rewrite: The horse-and-rider pairs approached the ranch's outskirts at breakneck speed. Jamie spotted her family, along with more than half of the hired hands, waiting at the finish line. She checked over her shoulder again and squeezed her knees into Thunder's sides, willing him forward even as Levi and Buck inched closer. She could barely hear the cheering coming from the gate over the hoofbeats that pounded in her ears.

A flash of color in the corner of her eye caused Jamie to turn and spot Levi's horse, nose even with Thunder's flank.

“Run, Thunder, Run!” Jamie shouted.  But Thunder was tiring quickly.  Buck’s head slowly appeared, then his neck, his withers, and finally a grinning Levi.  At that second they sprinted across the finish line, past all the whooping ranch hands.  

Rewrite: "Run, Thunder! Run!" Jamie's voice rose to a shout, but Thunder's sides heaved, and she could practically feel his exhaustion. Buck's full body gradually appeared at her side, and she tried to avoid Levi's grinning stare as they sprinted across the finish line.

Jamie rode Thunder slowly around the yard for a few minutes to cool him down and noticed that Levi was doing the same with Buck.  Finally they dismounted and led their horses toward the group of milling people.

Rewrite: The riders walked their horses around for a few minutes to cool down their bodies, white with sweat, then dismounted and approached the group of people milling around the north gate.

“Jamie won!”  Jamie’s oldest brother Reuben exclaimed.

“No, I think it was Levi.”  This came from her second brother Simeon, who was staring at Reuben, as if daring his older brother to go against him.

Reuben raised an eyebrow.  “Simeon, you know it was Jamie.”

Simeon snorted.  “Reuben, you know as well as I do that it was Levi.”  He turned toward the two youngest Abbotts.  “You two were the racers; who do you think won?”

Rewrite: "Jamie won." Reuben grinned and ruffled Jamie's already unkempt hair. "Good job, sis."

  "No, I think it was Levi." Simeon stared at his older brother, as if daring him to argue.

  Reuben raised na eyebrow. "You know it was Jamie."

A snort accompanied the reply. "You know as well as I do that it was Levi; you're just playing favorites." he turned toward the two youngest Abbott siblings. "You two were the racers. Who do you think won?"

Levi smirked.  “I did, of course.”

Jamie rolled her eyes and punched her brother in the arm.  “Levi.  I was ahead of you for the whole race, and you were just beginning to catch up to me at the end.  Why not just admit the truth: I won.”   

Reuben shook his head with a smirk.  “I suppose we could take a vote with the hands...”

Rewrite: Levi smirked. "Me, of course."

Jamie rolled her eyes and punched him lightly on the arm. "I was ahead of you for practically the whole race, and you were barely starting to catch up to me at the end. Why don't you just admit the truth: I won."

"I suppose we could take a vote with the hands."

Levi shook his head violently.  It was a known fact that Jamie was a favorite with all the men.

Simeon shrugged and turned on his heel.  “Well, we’ll let you two fight it out.  Reuben and I, however, have better things to do,” he said over his shoulder.

Rewrite: Levi shook his head quickly, eyes wide. It was no secret that Jamie was everyone's favorite.
Simeon shrugged with a slight smile and turned on his heel. "We'll let you two hash it out. 'Ben and I have better things to do." He tossed back his last words over his shoulder.

Jamie turned to face Levi, her hazel eyes staring unblinkingly into his blue ones.

Levi dropped his gaze and sighed.  “We’re never going to agree on this, are we?”

Jamie shrugged.  “Let’s have a rematch, say, tomorrow afternoon?”

Levi nodded and tipped his hat to his sister.  “Until tomorrow, then.”

Rewrite: Jamie turned to face Levi, feet planted, arms crossed. Her hazel eyes stared unblinking into his blue ones until he finally dropped his gaze and sighed.
"We're never going to agree on this, are we?"
"Nope." After a moment's thought, she added, "What about a rematch? Tomorrow after noon?"
Levi squinted at her, then nodded and tipped his hat. "Until tomorrow, then."